Not everyone values emotional honesty. Not everyone has time to listen and the reality is that not everyone is capable of "hearing" and empathizing. If you find that your shidduch dating experience lacks an empathetic listener, perhaps you're looking for the wrong "personality type". In fact, empathy is a rare quality which depends on one's personality type. According to the Myers-Briggs personality system (see Please Understand Me, by Keirsey) people are either dominant Thinkers or dominant Feelers. Thinking types (60% of men and 40% women) have little interest in the world of feelings. They feel no urge to share personal feelings and are irritated and bored by those who do. They are focused on functioning, not feeling. Feeling types (60% women, 40%) men) are concerned with their feelings and distressed if they cannot share them. When these two types get together, there is likely to be a lot of mutual frustration, because each has demands which the other cannot meet.
Without feelings, there would be no love, no music, art, poetry or meaningful prayer. But to allow our feelings full reign is like giving the car keys to a three year old. Learn when emotional modesty is needed and when not to "emote".
It is best to inhibit the expression of feelings in the following situations.
1) When sharing will overwhelm others-e.g. it is "immodest" to share strong feelings of grief, fear or rage, especially around children and others who are incapable of receiving your pain with empathy and compassion.
2) When sharing feelings will exacerbate self-pity and despair. Griping about problems may help people feel better for about fifteen minutes. After that it's considered "co-rumination" and will actually lower the mood, especially if the problem has no solution.
3) When sharing feelings will lead others to think you are immature, naive, or unstable. This is how most Thinking types view Feeling types.
4)When sharing feelings will cause others to use the information against you.
Let's get real. Hoping against hope that the communication will get better if you look past his/her personality type, is wishful thinking. Nothing will change their brain patterns or level of sensitivity. As with all difficulties in relationships, use this for your spiritual growth and Be Proud of your Emotional Modesty, realizing that it is not always appropriate to expose your feelings. Turn it Around: Give yourself whatever it is that you want from this other person that you will never get, such as unconditional love, understanding, appreciation, praise and time. Then get on with meeting your true soulmate next time, iy'H. (from Dr. Miriam Adahan's Essay, The Communication Trap, Chabad.org, September 15, 2008)
Without feelings, there would be no love, no music, art, poetry or meaningful prayer. But to allow our feelings full reign is like giving the car keys to a three year old. Learn when emotional modesty is needed and when not to "emote".
It is best to inhibit the expression of feelings in the following situations.
1) When sharing will overwhelm others-e.g. it is "immodest" to share strong feelings of grief, fear or rage, especially around children and others who are incapable of receiving your pain with empathy and compassion.
2) When sharing feelings will exacerbate self-pity and despair. Griping about problems may help people feel better for about fifteen minutes. After that it's considered "co-rumination" and will actually lower the mood, especially if the problem has no solution.
3) When sharing feelings will lead others to think you are immature, naive, or unstable. This is how most Thinking types view Feeling types.
4)When sharing feelings will cause others to use the information against you.
Let's get real. Hoping against hope that the communication will get better if you look past his/her personality type, is wishful thinking. Nothing will change their brain patterns or level of sensitivity. As with all difficulties in relationships, use this for your spiritual growth and Be Proud of your Emotional Modesty, realizing that it is not always appropriate to expose your feelings. Turn it Around: Give yourself whatever it is that you want from this other person that you will never get, such as unconditional love, understanding, appreciation, praise and time. Then get on with meeting your true soulmate next time, iy'H. (from Dr. Miriam Adahan's Essay, The Communication Trap, Chabad.org, September 15, 2008)
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