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Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch has brought "out in the open" Attachment Theory in his newest book, "Getting Closer".  He helps singles seeking a healthy approach to marriage to have a corrective attachment experience with each other.   Forming the thesis of Schonbuch's book are the three types of attachment styles according to Bowlby: Secure, Anxious and Avoidant Attachments.

Secure styles are usually adults who saw their parents as a secure base and safe haven and felt they could turn towards them in times of danger or fear.  Their mothers were responsive to their child's  needs, provided physical and emotional closeness, warmth, affection and validated what the child was experiencing .  This usually ensures secure attachment in the child well into adulthood and they usually enjoy secure relationships.

Anxious types, in contrast, are often those whose parents were preoccupied with their own worries and fears and didn't always focus on the child's needs.  According to Bowlby, the child was unsure of the mother's love and later adopted the same style with the spouse by doubting whether he or she is loved in the marriage and often finds triggers to worry about it.

The Avoidant type, the most extreme of the three styles, is when the mother is cold, distant or abusive and the child never felt his or her needs were met.  As adults, they become shut down, withdraw from closeness and are not comfortable with intimacy.

Sometimes, after years of searching for the right person,  "avoidant" personalities realize that they too often find faults in the other person they're dating as a defense mechanism against closeness.  What should you be aiming towards to make your shidduchim better and more focused??  If you're the avoidant type, you may be looking for little problems with your shidduch date that sabotage the entire process.  You  could probably benefit from an emotional GPS and help with an experienced Shidduch Coach. Learn the 3 easy steps to develop as much Secure Attachment as possible!!

Let's be in close contact for a more productive Shidduch Process....with blessings for a binyan adei ad....
Devorah 



 

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