A recent article written by a bochur who was challenged by "Fear of Commitment" appeared as an Op-Ed on the collive.com site , February 28. It's revealing to review his difficulties with this issue and his method of overcoming it. Let's examine some of his challenges and experiences-
The person with "fear of commitment" to marriage will often question whether their reason for not committing is their "own fear" or perhaps they really have an issue about the one they're dating. This is the most difficult step to deal with in determining the source of repeatedly turning down potentially good shidduchim.
One of the best ways to determine if the issue is fear of commitment or not, is to start with a list after the first few dates. On the left side of a page he suggests writing all the positive things about the one you are dating, all the reasons why you have spent so many hours together and kept agreeing to go out again and again and again. On the right side of the page he suggests writing all the cons; the reasons why you're not sure about continuing the dating process. After writing the negative things, indicate which of them are connected to "fear".-As the thought of getting engaged gets more real in your mind, you may have some doubts and question legitimately, " What if he/she isn't the right one, or, how can I know that I won't meet someone better in the future? " What will determine the outcome of these doubts? How will you conquer the fear?
The well known and time tested approach to a successful dating process, he writes, is to ensure that the most important elements are in place. Do you have the same goals in life? Are your spiritual levels compatible? Do your personalities match? Are you attracted to each other? Once you have these points checked off, you've done your part... the rest is in the hands of HaShem. You need to trust that HaShem wouldn't "watch you walk yourself into a disaster" and will guide you to decide what's best for you and help you make a decision that you truly feel is right".
There's nothing to fear but fear itself. The next step to take is the leap of faith to jump into the best stage of your life. He adds that if you choose to give in to your fears, they will be there again the next time, and the next, and the next...If you take the jump, suddenly the fears disappear and the irony of commiting to this wonderful person is that it's deeply "liberating". The act of committing to marry frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the "fear" that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit to marriage is to remove your head as the barrier to your life. When you decide to conquer the fears, HaShem helps to lead you in the right way.
Baruch HaShem, he proposed to his designated soulmate and is "free at last". Mazal tov!
How can you know if you're afraid of Committment to Marriage or you're really not right for one another?
Do you start to feel uncomfortable, anxious and/or break off the shidduch or sabatoge the process in a way that causes the other person to end it??
Maybe you're not even aware that "fear" is the catalyst for break-up. Perhaps you rationalize what happened by finding some justification for the break-up or claiming to "feel" pressure.
If you recognize any of these issues as familiar, you should consider doing some self-introspection work with a qualified Shidduch Coach or Mentor. Check out repetitive patterns in your dating history-i.e. do the break-ups happen often at the same stage in the dating process? Do you avoid emotional intimacy and prefer to relate to her/him on a superficial level? Do you see a pattern of actions that sabotage the relationship by antagonizing, offending, or scaring the dating partner?
It's time to move on in Joy- Free yourself of old habits. Start pursuing Purpose in the Shidduch Process and Marriage - then watch your life become Happy. Let's connect to learn how to overcome unproductive
thought patterns that lead to feeling fearful, trapped or loss of control. Download the phone interview on my Contact Page for more information and feel free to fill out contact information so you can begin right away to experience a fresh new approach to the next (and hopefully right) shidduch proposal.
A Happy, Freilichen Purim!!!
Me She-nichnas Adar Marbim b'Simchah~!!
Is there a more auspicious time in the Jewish Calendar to focus on your real Mazal?!? Is there a more joyous time to strengthen your ability to know and perfect your true "self" and manifest the work of finding your missing half?!? How can you allow someone into the most vulnerable and hidden places of your heart, trusting that your emotions will be well received? That is the beauty of a committed relationship! Now's the time to chance it! Why? It's the month of Adar- the month when there's " power" available to access your true blessing, influence and "luck".
Healthy "Mazal" (מזל בריא) is most available to you starting from today, Rosh Chodesh Adar!!
On the one hand it's written that"אין מזל לישראל " ("there is no "mazal" -astrological influences) that affect the Jewish people. On the other hand the Gemorrah says, healthy "Mazal" (מזל בריא) is most available starting from today, Rosh Chodesh Adar!! So which is it?!? True, there is no power of the astrological forces on us-we have the power through prayer and Tshuvah to transform our Reality. The real Power of Mazal is the Point of Nothingness (Ayin) in the inner soul..Another understanding of "there is no Mazal among the Jewish people-"Ayn Mazal l'Yisroel"- is "Ayin" is the Mazal of Israel-that quiet space of surrender when you stop identifying with all the external "stuff"....when you stop running after the accomplishments, the dependencies on emotional attention, honor, and/or obsessive collecting habits. Healthy "Mazal" is Knowing Yourself in a true, humble way by transforming the need to "exist" for yourself and bolstering loving relationships with faith and trust.
Start transforming yourself now (like in the Purim story) by turning all negativity (thoughts, speech , and action) into Joy!! THINK! before speaking (and/or writing)- Ask yourself:
T=is it True?
H=is it Helpful?
I=is it Inspiring?
N= is it Necessary?
K= is it Kind?
Prepare yourself for communicating in a healthy manner with your future soulmate by increasing in prayer this month and make those quiet moments of "surrender" -inner dialogue-with HaShem count. Your "soulmate" is out there looking for you. Be the best half-soul you can possibly be and G-d willing, your efforts will be guided towards each other sooner than you think. Have a wonderfully, joyous month-Good Chodesh!